So, first a brief update on my progress with the Lapis Azurai rework. I won’t be releasing a demo or early version of this game – the earliest preview will be after I’ve completed the intro, chapter 1, and the content for at least one of the three endings / routes.
I am still, slowly, working on this. Currently I have the intro and about 1/3 of chapter 1 done. It’s about equivalent to the content that’s in the currently released version of Lapis Azurai, but it’s not all the same stuff – still plenty more I can port over as it fits in.
Spent some time today coding up a directed force graph (similar to this) of all the events in the game (pulled straight from the source code) to help make sure everything triggers / depends on other events as it should.
Now for real-life sexy story time. :)
I am the worst lesbian. I say this because I have a boyfriend. Now, this should probably disqualify me from being a lesbian, but it’s really just true that I’m attracted to women and not men. I wish I liked guys, but really, they just don’t do it for me. R and I have been dating from July. We have all sorts of fun sexy times together, but they all involve him keeping his pants on. So… anyway, long story short, I’m a lesbian with a boyfriend (in addition to my two-year girlfriend, and any number of other shorter term female kink/fuck buddies).
This Halloween, my friend R* and I went together to a sexy party (the woman on the poster is even cuter in real life – we watch movies together sometimes). Neither of us wore a costume, just him in his button-down shirt and me in a slinky red dress hugging my curves, shoulder length reddish-brown curls. I enjoy being eye candy, hanging off his arm.
It apparently got better later in the evening, but we were there right at the beginning, and got bored rather quickly. We skedaddled back to his apartment. I’ve been to his apartment before, but only ever while his partner is there. Tonight she was busy with other things. Lovely woman, but threesomes aren’t in the cards for them right now.
First thing through the door, I pulled my dress up over my head, depositing it along with my bra in a pile by the door. “Much better,” I said with a little wiggle and a grin. Yes, I actually do those things in real life. I like being cute.
He laughed and hugged me, and then, with me holding up my hair to keep it out of the way, used my dress as a blindfold. R guided me to the center of the room and left me standing there, arms at my sides, while he caressed my sides, my breasts, cupped my chin in his hand. He’s immensely stronger than me – over 200lbs, and basically all of it muscle. I never really understood the “feeling safe while a big strong man holds you” trope until he entered my life.
“Anything you want?” he whispered in my ear.
“Um…” I bit my lip. “You could tie my hands behind my back?”
“I was just thinking about that. Don’t move.” He returned a moment later with a coil of rope, which he used to bind my arms behind my back. I squirmed a bit, ensuring it wasn’t going to be too tight to wear for a while, and he loosened it a bit more so I could pull my hands out if I absolutely had to. Bondage is really sexy, but porn never shows all the adjustments, tweaks and back-and-forth needed to make it safe and sexy at the same time.
We’d discussed the scene a little ahead of time. So, when he started turning me around and jerking me here and there across the floor, I intentionally didn’t keep track of which way I was facing and where I was. I intentionally confused and disoriented myself. Spin, grab, turn back the other way, three steps forward, turn… I lost track of where the doorway way, where the couches were, everything.
He left me standing there and stepped back. I couldn’t see anything, couldn’t really hear him moving on carpet… oww! I jerked a little as he flicked my nipple. Hands tied behind my back I couldn’t really protect myself – the best I could do was scrunch my shoulders, bow my head and curl up a little. He corrected my posture, standing me back upright, pulling my head back up, stroking my cheek.
I also intentionally suppressed the part of my mind that knew I was safe, that knew it was R and trusted him. I made myself scared. This is harder than it sounds – I’m naturally quite calm and cool during crisis and danger. But being naked helps with being scared. Being disoriented and blind helps with being scared. Being alone in an apartment with a man who I can literally punch with my full strength and he just laughs at me helps with being scared. After a few minutes he checked in with me – pulled me into a hug, stroked my hair, spoke softly and asked how I was doing. I was doing fantastically. Anything I wanted? Head shake. Want to keep going? Nod. He ended the hug, slapped my ass a few times, and left me standing there alone in silence for much of a minute.
I started trembling, just my legs shaking a little bit. I hunched over again, and he corrected my posture. He’d move between stroking me, striking me, stepping back and leaving me all alone for half a minute without making a sound and then suddenly touch me from behind. He used a wooden dowel sometimes for smacks, or held it across my throat as he came up from behind and pressed himself against me. I don’t know how long this went on, only that I was whimpering and shaking by the end. He kept returning me to a standing posture every time I’d try to hunch over or shy away.
Wham! Suddenly my legs were swept out from under me, he seized my shoulders and pulled me over backwards. Completely without warning or preamble, blind and shocked I barely had time to squeak before I hit the carpet. It was terrifying. Softly, cushioned by strong hands in complete control of my fall.
R hugged me and asked if I was ok. I said I was. He took off the blindfold, and I blinked a lot. He hugged me more, then untied my hands. “I thought you’d enjoy that, but I wasn’t sure and wanted to check in.” We cuddled, and I reassured him I had really liked it. This is another thing that porn usually misses – the fact that tops need reassurance too! He cares for me, and doesn’t want me hurt, and so he needs reassurance and comfort too when we try new things like this. Comfort that yes I enjoyed it, that no he’s not a bad person for wanting to do things like this to his girlfriend.
“Next time, next time when I take you down maybe it won’t be the end,” he smiled and kissed my forehead.
I grinned back and did my little wiggle in his arms. “Yeah, let’s do that.”
So there you have it – that’s how I spent evening a few nights ago, on my very first fear-play scene. I loved it.
Happy belated Halloween, everyone.